Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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