It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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