i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
