Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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