I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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