Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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