Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
