I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
