Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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