I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
