how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
