I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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