I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
being pregnant is like rehab
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
