dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
