im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
