the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
