note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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