the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
