Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
