What did we do last night that was yellow?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
