Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
And then he peed in my hair
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