I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
