They should really pass out barf bags in church
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
organizing the empties. That sober.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
