is your mom at the bar?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
accomplished twins. life is a go
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
