The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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