Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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