new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
