Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
