Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
