This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
