On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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