I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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