All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
