Hey man sorry I got all grabby
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
