Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
