New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
