I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize