She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
