My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
