A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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