I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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