my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
