My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
