You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
