that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
