Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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