Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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