the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
