TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize