Your mouth is God's brothel.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
