his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize