FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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