So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
