Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
