Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
