today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
