Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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