PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
