So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
