Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Let's get the cat blown out
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
