Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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