I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
